By Afroditi A. Karagianni,
With a (relatively) safe distance from the Holidays and their joyful gatherings, it is high time we talked about some topics that, ironically, are better not to be discussed a lot in similar situations and preferably, not at all. Every one of us has witnessed the following scene or at least has a friend with a similar story: A table full of people, where an array of questions is violently thrown towards a particular person’s direction, regarding various (usually very personal) topics. Is there a fine line between pure interest and the invasion of our privacy, or is it all fair in love and conversation –to paraphrase poet John Lyly–?
First and foremost, I must state that I wholeheartedly appreciate people’s investment in others, and it is nice to feel like your people (friends or family) are willingly taking an interest in your life. That being said, I find that there is a pool of questions, which make most people visibly uncomfortable and often manage to completely spoil the fun at our gatherings that could be avoided. Of course, some people take no issue with answering these questions, but to my knowledge, the vast majority simply do. This list goes somewhat like this:
1. When will you be getting married?
The first query on the list could be none other than the most classic and expected one, the one involving our marital status. Personally, I believe that marriage for people nowadays is less of a goal and more of a choice. As such, many prefer to marry, and others do not. Fear not, the latter’s absence from hosting their own wedding ceremony does not mean that they have not found their significant other or that they are not yet happy or fulfilled in their lives. The reasons behind their choice could vary. For instance, some people are not religious, others have decided to generate their income in alternate places and some do not believe that the officiation of their relationship needs to have the state involved. Whatever the reasons behind their choice may be, I find that we should all learn to respect this very choice and not insist on asking about marriage when someone has made it abundantly clear that we should not be expecting an invite in the near future –or ever.
2. When are you having kids?
I feel that this question is a close second. If you ask around, a big part of the population will tell you that your “family” is not complete until you (finally!) procreate. In my opinion, this is a very old-fashioned and obsolete way of thinking. Nowadays, a family may as well be a couple without kids, a person and their friends, someone with their pet, etc. The boundaries of the traditional family are starting to fade, and the term “family” can mean different things to different people. Furthermore, many cannot afford to raise kids in this economy, and others prefer spending their income on traveling and other personal expenses. And there is nothing wrong with that. In truth, the most important thing is that we are all satisfied with the choices we make in our lives, even if they are “unconventional” or “incomprehensible” to the eyes of others. Consequently, if one is content and happy with the life they lead, there is no need to keep pressuring them into having kids and therefore adhering to outdated and unreasonable societal expectations. Do not worry, other people will keep raising kids, and the earth will keep spinning the way it always did, even if the person concerned refrains from parenthood.
3) Why did you change your appearance?
No query hits as hard as this one, and we have all probably heard it. “Have you lost/ gained weight?’’, “Did you cut/dye/change your hair?’’, “Did you get a piercing?’’, “Did you change your style?”. All these delightful questions followed by a “Why?” and there you have one of the most unpleasant and challenging inquiries to answer. If you ask me, I strongly believe that our appearance is one of those things that one should not touch on, unless they wish to respectfully compliment it, since comments concerning it can be the root of many evils. For example, commenting on someone’s weight can sometimes profoundly influence that person’s view of themselves.
This could have a detrimental impact on their psychology and even lead to the rise of perilous mental illnesses and conditions that take a toll on people’s mental and physical health. In addition, style is a form of expression, which aids one to share bits of themselves and their personality with others. As a result, asking someone to account for the alterations in their appearance and fashion choices is a rather bad idea, that might make the person concerned feel unseen and discouraged from communicating who they are to the world. At the same time, these questions convey the extremely problematic message that people must constantly overexplain their choices to gain external approval or else conform to a more traditional appearance if they do not wish to fight head-to-head with those unwilling to accept them and their unconventional style.
4) Is there someone special in your life?
It is one thing for your laid-back parents, favorite cousin, or most beloved aunt to ask this, and another when a relative you have not seen in years suddenly asks you whether you are single or taken. As is known, the latter makes most (especially young) people feel exceedingly uneasy. In all honesty, most of us are not up for mentioning our significant other to some random relative, let alone starting an open conversation revolving around our relationship with them and the rest of the table. This inquiry gets even more awkward when one is actively hiding their sexuality or is not willing to share it with the people present in order to protect their peace and not have it up for debate (which is completely rightful).
If you think about it, a member of modern society has definitely heard (at least once in their lifetime) of the different sexualities and identities of people and should undoubtedly give phrasing similar questions (that might make an individual uneasy when replying) a second thought. Sometimes, the whole situation gets even better when this person starts suggesting other single people your age you should “absolutely” try dating. Someone who went to the same kindergarten as you, perhaps? Yeah, that undeniably sounds like a pretty decent reason to date someone. I say we entirely skip this question and leave it to people to introduce their relationships to us when and if they are ready. Besides, how wholesome is it when someone voluntarily trusts you with meeting someone important to them?
The list could go on and on. As long as we keep attending gatherings, there will always be a friend, a relative or a stranger asking us weird questions. Hopefully not in all of them. How do we move forward? Do we stop going places altogether and remain hidden in confined spaces? As appealing as this might sound at times, people need people, and what we have to gain by spending time with each other is indeed valuable. What is feasible, however, is that we can form strict boundaries early on, so that we know how to approach uncomfortable queries and remain calm while doing so. Next time someone asks something downright bizarre, we can always kindly reply with “I am not going to answer that”, joke about it a bit, or even assertively call them out on their out-of-place behavior. Remember, it is always our right to not want to talk about what we consider personal -or inappropriate to discuss with those present we are to exercise that right anytime. So, have fun attending your next social gathering, and even if things take an unexpected turn, know that it is in your power to keep the whole thing from going south and manage to truly enjoy yourself. Good luck!
