How to handle conflict: Tips for non-confrontational people

Some things are easier said than done, but other things are not that easy to say, either. It is only natural for us to have fears, insecurities, and complaints; we cannot always see eye to eye with everyone in our lives. For some people, expressing their thoughts and feelings regarding such issues might be relatively easy, but confronting someone in order to resolve a problem is not a piece of cake for everyone. However, no matter how difficult confronting someone might be, it is necessary to be done, and there are thankfully many ways to handle any disagreement healthily and productively.

The word “confrontation” is often associated with negativity or hostility; we automatically think of aggression, anger, and blame, which is part of the reason why the fear of confrontation is one of the most common ones. In order to try and conquer it, what we first have to do is identify the problems that come with edging towards a “pushover” behavior. You will not be able to change your train of thought or get the desired result out of a disagreement unless you start understanding that your current way of dealing with the problem is not working all that well. When you feel nervous or afraid to speak up, unfortunately, it is easy to convince yourself that staying quiet is the only option — and this leaves you in a vicious cycle of constantly feeling off, since you never got the chance to achieve what you wanted out of the confrontation that barely if at all, occurred. Listing the downsides of avoiding confrontation and what you might gain by speaking up can help you grasp the importance of changing your tactics.

When confronting someone, try to be strategic about the time and place of the discussion, as well as empathetic about the way you deal with the situation. Being harsh and aggressive will not get you anywhere, nor will trying to talk to the other person when they are clearly absent-minded or tired. Do not start off by pointing fingers, except if it is absolutely necessary; talking more about how you feel and focusing on “we” statements can help both of you realize that you are on the same team and will most likely help you get back on the same page as well. You do not want to make the other person feel like you are “ganging up” on them; do not bombard them with complaints. Instead, address one issue at a time, and see what happens. Take into consideration how the other person reacts and take it easy on them if the situation allows it: it is never pleasant for someone to be confronted about something. It is also important to give the situation the benefit of the doubt: admit what part you play in the problem and what you can change as well. Try to be flexible and clear about the fact that you might have misunderstood something. Just remember to set some boundaries if needed; a potentially manipulative person might try to take advantage of your display of vulnerability, instead of appreciating your thoughtfulness as a mature person would.

One thing we should note is that we do not only have to keep the other person’s mental and emotional state in mind but ours as well. When it comes to confrontation, two of the biggest pitfalls that we might fall into are being overly aggressive and defensive or acting overly passive and avoidant. Both of those issues usually stem from stress, and what we call “fight or flight response”. When you fear confrontation, you can only think about either “killing” the threat or escaping it. In order to get satisfactory results, you must learn to keep your cool by thinking about what you plan on saying and what you want to get out of the conversation. Taking some deep breaths to calm your nerves and pondering on what the problem is and what you would like to change before talking about it with the other person or group of people is very important. If both of you feel calm and approach the situation as a team, you are way more likely to reach the goal you had in mind in the first place.

We should acknowledge the fact that confrontation is so much an art as it is a science. What works with someone might not work with someone else, and different people approach conflict in various ways. There is no such thing as a “most appropriate” confrontation technique because this usually depends on the situation and the parties involved. However, if you are looking for a guide that can help you understand when to use a certain style of confrontation, this is where things get particularly interesting: there is a conflict management model designed in 1974 by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann, known as the “Thomas-Kilmann model”, and it can guide you through various confrontation modes. It lists five different techniques that help resolve disagreements and arguments, and it is based on two dimensions: assertiveness, where someone satisfies their own needs, and cooperativeness, where they satisfy the other person’s needs.

The least effective strategy is avoiding, and it is both unassertive and uncooperative. People who avoid conflict pretend that it does not exist and hope for it to go away with time. Sometimes, confronting an issue can temporarily do more harm than good: for example, if the parties are emotionally charged, avoiding it can give everyone time to calm down and think more rationally. However, some conflicts do not resolve themselves, and ignoring them may result in much bigger ones. Moving on to more effective strategies, competing takes a highly assertive, yet completely uncooperative confrontational stance. Often called the “win-lose approach”, it is power-oriented and only seeks to defend its own position, usually at the expense of others. It is best suited in emergency situations, where time is of utmost importance. Refrain from using it to bully others to submission, and keep in mind that this mode is likely to cause more conflict down the line. On the other end of the spectrum, we have the most cooperative and least assertive strategy, accommodating. Also called “harmonizing” or “peacekeeping”, it is when you give in to the other person’s demands with little to no regard for your own concerns. Accommodate only when you can do so cheerfully: if you feel taken advantage of or not taken seriously, drop this method and look for a more fitting one.

Collaborating is usually the most effective conflict management strategy because it is both assertive and cooperative. Collaboration makes room for both sides’ opinions, ideas, and suggestions, and tries to come up with a win-win result. Just keep in mind that although highly effective, collaborating is not always easy: it requires trust and patience for the best outcome to arise. Finally, compromising is both assertive and cooperative, but only to a certain degree. The aim is to find a middle ground, and both people get something, but also have to give something up to arrive at a solution acceptable to both. It is also known as a lose-lose scenario; imagine it as what happens when collaborating does not 100% succeed, and everyone wins but also loses something. Although less likely to cause problems than other confrontation styles, lingering dissatisfaction may cause future disagreements.

For there to be proper communication between two people or amongst a social group of any kind, we need to talk and express ourselves, or else the connection might often get lost. By respecting the other person and opting for a discussion instead of a heated argument, while calmly expressing our point of view and hearing theirs in return, we can trust to find solutions to our problems. In the end, it can be pretty simple; when both parties are asking for reasonable things and show respectful and empathetic attitudes, a middle ground is right around the corner.